June

This month was a whirlwind. I really don't know what happened to the last several weeks... They just kind of flew by as I got wrapped up into the routine of online classes, seminary classes (in particular, I’ve really been enjoying the discussion in my Leadership in Urban Movements class), language classes, internship outings, and doing life in general.

This last month has been really wet as summer is over and rainy season is underway in the Philippines. Although the weather is a bit cooler, I’m not a big fan as the streets flood a bit and you’re bound to get pretty wet even if you have an umbrella because when it rains, it pours! Also, wet shoes and jeans are the worst (okay, there are worse things, but they don’t feel good). This last month was also a period of continued adjustment to the new community and lengthy commute. My host mom had a baby girl the first week of the month so it’s been a really nice addition to the family, but it’s also been a time of transition for them as the family’s routine changes too. The family is so sweet and I've really been enjoying my time with them thus far.

With the host family at church 

In an effort to cultivate a heart of gratitude, I started a little routine at the beginning of the month. At the end of every day, I look back and write down one or two things that I'm grateful for. I know it may seem really simple, but especially on the really difficult days, it reminds me that there are always things that I should be thankful for instead of dwelling on the more difficult moments of the day. Sometimes it's as simple as, "the weather was cooler today" or "this morning, the lady collecting money on the jeepney told people to scoot down more since she noticed that I was at the edge of the bench.” I started this because I felt that a part of me was becoming very bitter, which is very uncharacteristically me. I’m unsure if the root of the bitterness is due to the poverty and feeling like the world is an awful place, this second wave of culture shock that I’m experiencing, personal exhaustion, or a combination of all the aforementioned things.

I'm also grateful that these imported cinnamon mixed nuts were 75% off. 

In a reading for my language and culture course, I came across this quote and it really spoke to me since it stressed the importance of incarnation and that it's important and good to be in this learner's position.

But isn't it strange that Jesus not only entered society incarnate at the weakest point, as a defenseless child who needed the care of his host community, but he also told his disciples: "Do not go with money; do not go with a second pair of shoes; go in a stance of vulnerability; be dependent on the communities you visit"? Isn't it interesting that for thirty years he doesn't speak out; doesn't reveal himself; he remains quiet, and only after thirty years of listening and learning the culture does he begin to speak. (James Plueddeman; Leading Across Cultures: Effective Ministry and Mission in the Global Church)

Often times I feel like, "Should I be doing more? Do I have anything to tangibly show for the last 6 months?" But then I think about how arrogant it would be for me to assume that I could just go into a new culture and assume that I know how to fix everything and solve everyone's problems. It is definitely humbling to be a student first as I learn how to speak Tagalog and learn about issues from people on a personal level instead of from a textbook. To admit that I don't know better than others and how I need to learn well first before I can act. It’s a constant battle as I ask myself if there’s more that I should be doing to help and serve, but I trust that God is glorified in my being in this season of life.

Erika & I at one of the communities we go to for our Community Economics internship

Four more weeks of summer semester to go! July is going to be super busy, but I’m so, so looking forward to the month-long break in August. I really need the rest.

Thank you for all of your love, support, and prayers. And as always feel free to message/email me if you have anything to say or ask. I can't fit all of my experiences and the things I've learned each month in a blog post, and I want you to be a part of this journey too. ( : I'll try to write a more in depth post next month (half way done/a year into MATUL!) since I'll have more time during the semester break.

May: New Home, New Semester

Sorry that this monthly update is a little late. I feel that every day here is full of happenings and emotions and I had difficulty trying to summarize everything in a (somewhat...) concise manner.

making some goat friends in a rice field in Masbate

So I've been in the Philippines for 5 months. Thus far this is the longest period of time that I've been away from home (I would still go home in between quarters during my time at UCSB and my study abroad semester in Botswana was about 4.5 months). The days here go by oddly fast, yet I can't believe so much has happened since moving here in January. I do admit that there's still the more difficult days where I'm more homesick than others. I'm unsure if the homesicknesses will ever go away entirely because of how challenging life is and because of how I miss family and friends back at home.

At the beginning of the month, during our one week semester break, my MATUL classmates Erika, Sajira, and I trekked to Masbate, a province on another island in the PI for a village project assignment, whilst also enjoying some time away from the craziness of Manila. It was really nice to get out of the city and enjoy some peace and quiet, as well as some non-polluted air. Fiesta (celebrations typically held to honor particular saints) was occurring during our stay so it wasn't as quiet as we had hoped, but overall the beach provided us with some rest and peace of mind. We also got to attend a family reunion for Sajira's mom's side of the family, and there were so many people there!  It was really neat seeing how big, extended families stay connected with one another. The 17-hour bus ride back to Manila was quite rough and not a whole lot of sleeping was had, but it was definitely an adventure.

The biggest change that happened this past month was my move to a new home stay. Although I really loved my previous host family and miss them dearly, I felt that the stress from the lack of personal space was too unhealthy for me in the long run. I was blessed with an opportunity to move a couple weeks ago. I'm currently living in a community in Payatas (still in Quezon City in Metro Manila), which does have its pros (more space, no flooding, a bit cooler) and cons (longer commute, more mosquitos, garbage dump smells), but right now I'm just trying to focus on the positive. I do my best to take things day by day and see where they go from there.

some views from my bedroom window

I felt that I really wanted to share this since it really encouraged me. After grabbing dinner with some classmates one evening a few weeks ago, a little boy who was probably about 6 or 7 years old came up to us asking for money. My friend told him to wait and she bought him a meal and some bottled waters at a local eatery. The way that the boy's eyes lit up and how big his smile got after she handed him the meal and water really got to me. My classmate asked the little boy for his name and told him to take care. When was the last time that someone showed compassion for him and loved him as a child of God? I'm sure that sometimes people threw a few pesos his way (we're usually advised not to give money-that's a different story), but how often do people stop and take the time out of their day in order to love someone who was asking for help? I was reminded of how powerful small gestures of kindness are.

It reminded me of this Mother Teresa quote: We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. 

My first time doing laundry at the new house! it was kind of exciting...

And to briefly summarize other updates for May:
-It was difficult hearing about the shootings at Isla Vista/UCSB. It felt really surreal because it was my home for the last four years. You never think something like that will happen so close to home. I was really touched by how the UCSB community and other universities were in solidarity with one another. -Tagalog language lessons at the school are still going well. It can be overwhelming sometimes since I feel that there is so much I have yet to learn, but I still love going to the language school every day.
-I started my Community Economics internship with MMP, and it's been really interesting to learn more about micro-finance loans through the internship as well as through my course readings. Although they do have some flaws, micro-finance programs offer people an opportunity to improve their businesses since they often don't have access to banks due to lack of collateral.
-I'm really thankful for God's sustenance- how He strengthens me, gives me peace, protects me, and continues to reveal His heart to me on daily basis.

And as always thank you for all your wonderful support, snail mail, skype dates, emails, and prayers. Don't hesitate to send me a message or email if want to ask me anything : )

Start of Summer

the humidity adds 10 degrees :(

The start of April marked the beginning of summer and it is really heating up here! People joke that the Philippines only has two seasons: hot and hotter. I agree. I thought it was silly that when I arrived to the Philippines in January, locals would say how cold it was and it was in the mid 70s. The heat is only supposed to intensify as summer continues, and it's definitely a challenge as the heat makes you super sleepy (and irritable at times too). I definitely miss the moderate Bay Area weather that I'm used to. But God makes every place unique and this includes climate, no?

I finished my first MATUL semester in field (2/6 overall) this past week! It was most certainly the hardest semester of my life. I can't imagine any harder undergrad semester that I've had at UCSB or studying abroad. Not hard so much in terms of rigorous academics, but doing school and keeping up with the readings and assignments while living in a slum community. This upcoming Summer semester I will be continuing my regular language lessons at the language school and taking 2 online classes, Theology of Community Economics & Language and Culture II, as well as taking on an internship for the Community Economics course.

Throughout this month I've been praying and discerning about my housing situation. It's been really difficult not having my own room, and the stress of it all has been building up and it's evident that it's taken a huge toll on my body and well-being. It's been difficult to discern between the circumstances that will always be hard about living in a slum community and when I need to be firm about the things that I need, and will be much healthier for me in the long run. Living in a slum community will always be noisy and crowded, but where do I draw the line between challenging myself and harming myself to an extent that I'm unable to love, learn, and serve well? I have learned that in my very fragile and exhausted state I am finding more peace and comfort in God, who is constant even when I feel like a hot mess. But after much deliberation and prayer these last few weeks, I'm pretty certain that I do need to find a place where I will be able to sleep and rest more.

I'm realizing how much more I need God especially in times of stress, exhaustion, and frustration. I mentioned this a couple months ago, but I feel that as I've gotten more stressed lately, I've become even more aware of it.

Erika & I w/ our street ice cream- only 10 pesos a cone (20 cents) (:

Many days I feel like a really ugly, horrible person. Should I have given money to the elderly woman on the street? to the man without limbs that I passed by on the way home? How can I not feel guilty about going to a coffee shop to do homework? How can I help the woman who digs through the trash in my community every night while her baby sits in a dirty cardboard box beside her? Why am I not as nice to people when I'm tired/stressed?

My problems seems so small in comparison when I think about how annoyed I am at wearing the same shirts over and over again, am worried about all the reading I have to get done, and how slow my internet is at times. I struggle with discerning how to live, act, and feel in a place of extreme poverty. I admit that I am tired of being overwhelmed to the point of tears when I see injustice on a daily basis. Back in California, I am very aware that this poverty exists, but when I don't see it every day, it's easy to put this reality in the back of my mind. A professor shared this quote about this issue last semester and I thought it was really powerful:

“..luxury is the enemy of observation, a costly indulgence that induces such a good feeling that you notice nothing. Luxury spoils and infantilizes you and prevents you from knowing the world. That is its purpose." -Paul Theroux

I've been listening to this song by Shane & Shane on repeat lately. I really like it:

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need
("Though You Slay Me" )

This song reminds me that as I am stripped of more things (material things like my usual outfits and the intangible things like my pride and self-sufficiency), God is the only one that I truly need. He is the only one that satisfies the emptiness that I feel when I am uncomfortable and pacifies me when I am frustrated and angry with myself and with the city. Sometimes I question why I feel called to do hard things like MATUL, but I know that it is a privilege to serve God in this challenging environment and program. I always feel so much better after prayer, and know that I should not be shy to present any and all requests and emotions to God. Even down to the little things. There is nothing too small or too big to give to God. He is always listening.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matthew 7:7-8)

Outside of Manila, the PH has some beautiful waters & beaches.

Salamat po sa lahat for all your love & prayers. <3

March Gladness

The month of March has went by oddly fast, yet in hindsight, so many things have happened. I think the deadlines for class assignments has definitely contributed to how quickly the days have come and gone. Although each day is hard and has its own unique challenges, I feel that I'm no longer in "survival mode", which is definitely a blessing.

God answered my prayers for a companion and sent me a good friend to accompany me in the Philippines! My roommate from the Fall semester in Los Angeles, Erika, came to join me here at the beginning of the month due to some visa complications for the India site she was originally planning on going to. Although Erika is the youngest one in our cohort, she has a lot of wisdom and maturity that is rare for someone her age. We get along really well and I am so grateful that she will be with me to journey with for the rest of my time in the Philippines. The first two months I was really nervous about being here alone (especially when the previous cohort leaves at the end of July) and was mentally preparing for what life would be like without another teammate to walk alongside me.

Erika and I treating ourselves to a taste of home (in this case, Jamba!)

A few weeks ago I was able to visit my good friend and MATUL classmate, Cailah, in Bangkok, Thailand for several days when I left the country to take a quick breather from the chaos of Manila. It was really refreshing being able to process what has happened in the last couple months and to have some variety in my meals. I did get to meet the big rats that are in the outdoor bathrooms where she lives and also got bit by a lot of mosquitos, but those things aren't all that bad when you get to eat delicious pad see ew from the food carts on the street and laugh about the hard things with a good friend. I was surprised by how hard it was for me to return to Manila though after my time in Bangkok. The first few days back were 10x harder than when I had left, but after a few days, I adjusted back to a pretty normal routine. If you have never been to Bangkok, I must say that the street food is really delicious and inexpensive.

Taking the boat to Cailah's language school

One of my favorite things about the Philippines are the kids. Yes, they are really adorable, but I think what really gets me is how they remind me that there is still so much to be joyful for even when things are hard. When I see kids in my community who have very little playing and laughing, I am hit with the reality of how much I have to be grateful for. And as stressful as doing a graduate program in the slums is, it's important to continue seeking joy instead of being bitter about how hard life is or how the world is an awful place because of all the poverty and injustice. It's understandable that I miss things from home (like moderate weather, peace and quiet, and even In N Out) and will never be fully comfortable living in an urban poor community, but I know that I cannot let the things that are difficult for me here consume me.

The building of the church I go to is also a school during the week, and it's pretty neat. I was wondering how my host sisters (and other children in an urban poor community) could afford to go to a private Christian school, but I later found out that the students' tuition and fees are provided for predominantly by churches and sponsors in Australia. One of the pastors at my church and his wife started the school about 20 years ago because they know how powerful education is in breaking cycles of poverty, and that the public school system here isn't very good. Thus, they wanted to start a school that was rooted in Christian principles, as well as a place where the students were cared for well and would receive a quality education. It's cool to see a sponsorship program in my community that's similar to how sponsorship programs for kids are with non-profits like Compassion International and World Vision.

I was able to hang out and help out in a Grade 2 classroom at the school sometime this month and one thing in particular struck me. All of the kids were asked to bring in about 5 pesos (about 10 cents) each day if possible, and this money was collected in a bamboo tube for the children in Payatas, which is an area in Quezon City that is known for being a really impoverished dump site where many people live and scavenge through the garbage for their livelihood. Children who didn't have very much were giving some of what they had for other children who have less than them. It reminds me of the passage where the widow gives two small copper coins at the temple, and although the amount is small, Jesus recognized the magnitude and sacrifice required of the offering.

I got to hang out with these cute kiddos

On a personal note, I was discussing with a classmate about how it's hard to see myself change physically in an undesirable way. I know that God only cares about the heart, for the external is so temporary, but I admit that it's hard not feeling as "pretty" or "attractive" as I do back in the States. I feel differently about myself here when I look at the bags that have developed under my eyes, the swollen mosquito bites that cover my legs, the effects of the pollution on my skin, and the extra weight I've gained from all the fried foods and rice that are served at home. Being sweaty and sticky all the time doesn't really help either.

She told me that it's understandable that I'm frustrated with the external physical changes that result from the living conditions, but it's during the difficult times in our lives such as MATUL when we are being altered and molded like the refiner's fire. When the metal is thrown into the fire, it initially becomes distorted by the heat, but over time the impurities in the metal are removed, and what's left is something really beautiful. She said that we MATULigans are being challenged on so many levels -emotionally, physically, and spiritually- but as we continue to choose following the Lord with our entire being, we are being transformed inside and out.

She also shared this quote from the children's book, The Velveteen Rabbit (about a stuffed toy rabbit who seeks to become real through the love of his owner):

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

February Frustrations

February has been a really hard month for me. There have been a lot of tears shed as I struggle with homesickness and adjusting to a new lifestyle in the Philippines. How I've been feeling lately reminds me of an article I read sometime last year by a missionary in Haiti. Here's an excerpt (full article here):

"What I hate the most about Haiti is what all of these things reveal about myself.  I hate that these things make me cranky and puts stress on my relationship with my wife.  I hate that it can change my mood into times of negativity or depression. That the external can have control of the internal.

...My challenge now is to realize that my daily tests are opportunities for me to mature spiritually; to not look back and see things in terms of good days or bad days, tough or easy, stressful or relaxing; but to look back and ask myself, “Did I walk in the likeness of Christ that day?”.  I must learn to not allow the events of today to hijack the work that the Holy Spirit wants to accomplish within me.  Our emotions and reactions cannot be led by an external situation, we are to be led solely by His Spirit.

I'm doing my best to do this. 

Easier said than done, but the first step is accepting the fact that God is quite aware of the bumps, hills, mountains, pitfalls and valleys in the road of your life.  Those challenges are not to be excuses as to why you failed to walk in the fullness of Christ, but are the training so that you can walk boldly in the fullness of Him." 

I understand that I've haven't been in the Philippines for very long (a bit less than two months), but I've found that it's not just the bucket baths every morning, eating rice four times times a day, being awakened by noise each night, or having little personal space and privacy. It's mainly how I don't like the side of me that is revealed and exposed as I react to these things. I can tell that at times I become frustrated with or annoyed at things that used to never bother me, but do here when I haven't slept well or am exhausted from being amongst crowds of people. 

I was semi-joking with some of the classmates who are in their 2nd year here that it's kind of sad how living in an urban poor community really ages you in a visible way (I guess I won't still look like I'm in high school when I get back...). The city and living conditions make your body really tired. I came across this passage the other day, and it struck me as it resonates with the changes in our physical and spiritual selves:

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:7

It's still just the beginning of this challenging, yet wonderful journey. Yes, there are days when I wake up and wished I was back at home in California. It's not easy to live in a place that doesn't feel like home yet. I'm trying my best to be patient with myself, but still slowly continue pushing myself out of my comfort zone. On another note, I'm discovering that prayer flows out of me as I go about each day in the city- as I travel alone, meet new people, do things that are scary to me, and struggle with being privileged in a place of poverty. Surrendering more of my pride and self-reliance is a very difficult, but beautiful process. I especially realize how powerless I am at times when I am unable to communicate with people due to the language barrier (there's been a lot of smiling and nodding when I don't understand what people are saying to me...it gets frustrating); someone told me that we're powerless all the time, but it's during these times that we really feel it and realize how God is the ultimate source of our strength.

On a related note, although I have only been to a few bible studies and church services in my community thus far, I can already tell that the urban poor believers understand what it means to really rely on God for their provisions, as everyone has lengthy prayer requests about the things they are laying at the feet of Jesus and emotional testimonies about God's grace and goodness. There's quite a lot that I can learn from them.

Outdoor market at Quezon Memorial Circle

Thank you all for your prayers. They are so, so powerful. And thank you for the emails, facebook messages, and skype dates. They mean a lot to me.

And the Journey Begins

I've been in the Philippines for about 3 weeks now, and the transition has been bumpy. There have been things that I really like about the Philippines, and things that I really dislike (like anywhere in the world, I guess). A few examples- Dislikes: the thick air pollution (my lungs aren't too pleased); the noise (it’s everywhere! roosters crowing in the morning, dogs barking at night, the loud music of neighbors, horns blaring); the mosquitos (self-explanatory...they like to nom on me at night). Likes: the kindness of the people; the excitement and novelty of crazy public transportation; learning Tagalog; overall lower cost of living; different flavors like pandan and ube.

Jeepney party (aka typical traffic)

For the first two weeks of my time in the Philippines, I was living in three separate places as my host family situation was being worked out; I stayed at the home of the MATUL director here, and the homes of two other APU MATUL students who are in their second year of the program. Although it was a little nerve-wracking not knowing where I was going to live and when, it was really a blessing being able to be eased into the culture and environment before immediately moving into my community.

About a week ago I moved into a community called Talayan in Quezon City (one of the cities in Metro Manila). I live with a really kind and beautiful family of four- Ate Elna, Kuya Roger, and their 2 daughters Patricia and Mika. It's kind of nice to have two younger sisters, although they are a bit shy since they don't speak very much English. The home is really small, with one tiny bedroom and a living area that’s also used as a dining area and sleeping area; it’s been hard for my introverted self to not really have any personal space, but space is limited in urban poor communities, and I knew coming into the program that it wouldn’t be easy. On a side note, I'm grateful that the home is on the 3rd story as the area floods really badly during the rainy season. I think I'm a little nervous about having to wade through flooded waters to get places, but I think it'll be kind of exciting in a way? I remember one of the women who was involved in the search for a good host family for me said that the area would be good for me so I could experience the floods. I think it'll be good for me too, as crazy as that sounds. I'll be able to have a better understanding of some of the difficulties many people have to experience on an annual basis by living through it myself.

Bagong pamilya! ("New family!")

I really love my Tagalog language lessons! I'll be taking them about 4 days a week, and each lesson is about 2 hours. The language school, His Name, is geared towards missionaries and all the teachers are really kind and fun. It feels really good being able to communicate with a bit more ease as I learn more words and phrases. I also feel like a small child as I can barely say anything and am taught songs in order to help me learn numbers and basic words. In regards to my online Azusa Pacific courses, it’s been difficult. Internet connection isn’t always that great here, and it’s easy to get distracted when class is not face-to-face, but through a computer screen. It’s just not quite the same in my opinion. I’m taking two classes, Urban Reality and Theology, and Language and Culture I. It's been pretty hard to focus at home and get schoolwork done with all the noise and lack of space, so I have a feeling that I will become good friends with some of the baristas at the local coffee shops when final papers are due...

view from my new home

Physically and emotionally, it’s been challenging thus far. As I am stretched and pulled out of my comfort zone by the things that are unfamiliar and difficult, I have to remind myself that God is my sustainer, and that everything's going to be okay. There is purpose in my being here. A devotional I read the other day by John Piper was about "The Battle to Remind" and I found it really encouraging:

"One of the great enemies of hope is forgetting God’s promises...Without reminding ourselves of the greatness and grace and power and wisdom of God, we sink into brutish pessimism." 

I've had some particularly rough days, but I know that things will get easier (and some things will get harder). I strive to focus on the positive and to find joy in the small things. One important example, I haven't gotten sick or had any stomach troubles from the food or water yet! Praise God. (: Finding joy in the everyday isn't always the easiest, but it reminds me to be grateful for today, as simple as that may seem. How can I dwell on the negative when I've been blessed with so much goodness?

Thank you all for your prayers & love & concerns for my well-being. <3

Winter Break & Pre-departure Preparations

Packing my life into a suitcase

The day has finally arrived. I leave for the Philippines today! The month that I've been at home since the semester has ended has been short, yet long. I can't believe the 4 weeks at home flew by so fast; it's been a really great time of rest and preparation (getting shots, packing, etc.), yet I feel that the longer I've been at home, the more anxious I've gotten about leaving as I think about all the hard experiences that are yet to come. I'm definitely a planner by nature, and when I'm not able to have this sense of control of my life and know what to expect in the future, it makes me really anxious. I think that's the beauty of God's timing though. He prepares the way for us and knows what we need much better than what we think we do. God orchestrates our lives in order to draw us closer to Him through particular people, places, and events. We just have to be still and listen.

I'll admit that there have been a lot of pretty sleepless nights lately as I think about what the next 19-20 months will be like. There are so many unknowns that I will encounter, never having been to the Philippines before. Where will I be living and with whom? What will be especially difficult for me? How will I handle being homesick?

I find Paul's words in 2 Timothy 1:7 really comforting-
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. I understand that fear is a pretty natural human feeling before experiencing new/hard things, but does my fear indicate that I doubt God's ability to provide for me? Do I not trust Him with this calling? It's likely that 2014 will be the hardest year of my life to date, but I trust that as I serve God in hard places and encounter a variety of challenges and obstacles, there will be sanctification and growth, as I too am molded in the process. In my head, it does seem pretty great...serve God and grow in faith at the same. Win-win, yes?

I want to say thank you to everyone who has spent time with me this last month (in person or not), listened to me as I shared my fears, taken me out for delicious things (I think too many delicious things :P) and supported me in prayer and/or financially.I'm also so grateful for the numerous people who I haven't even met yet who have been involved in preparations for me to go to Manila, praying for me and working out logistical things. I am so, so blessed to be loved by so many wonderful people.

Some prayer requests as I travel and move to a new home: discernment for my future host family (it's still being decided), patience as I learn how to live in a new place and culture and speak a new language, general safety & health, and peace that God would make the Philippines feel like home in due time. Thank you <3

I am so grateful that I serve a God who strengthens and empowers. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2Cor 12:9