Manila

This is pretty big news if you haven't heard yet, but I will be going to Manila, Philippines for MATUL! It's hard to explain in words how I ended up picking Manila, but the uncertainty that I felt with Bangkok, I don't feel with Manila. I trust that the Spirit has led me to choose a site where I will fall in love with the culture & people and be able to thrive, not just survive. I know that God is going to reveal so much to me in Manila. I'm excited, but of course nervous never having been there before, as there are so many unknowns that lie in the future.

On the other hand, my heart is so heavy right now for everyone that's been affected by Typhoon Haiyan, so it feels kind of weird to be excited to go to the Philippines right now.

Lately I've been asking myself, "What does it look like for me to die to myself and take up the cross on a daily basis?".  Dietrich Bonhoeffer, one of the men involved in the plot to assassinate Hitler said, "When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die." Outside of the Christian realm, that sounds kind of weird, but it's something that God has been placing on my heart. Seeking to do God's will and to honor him with my life above all else.

An art piece on a wall in Skid Row. "It's that wonderful old-fashioned idea
that others come first and you come second." 

I've been listening to a lot of Jon Foreman lately, and this song in particular reminds of Matthew 16:25 (Whoever wants to save their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for Christ will find it)

With Cailah & our friend Lucky at an event in Skid Row. 

The kingdom of the heavens 
Is now advancing
Invade my heart 
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens 
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself 
To buy the one you've found?
From Jon Foreman's Your Love is Strong

There's only 3 more weeks left of the semester until we all go home and spend time with our families before heading out. I have no idea where the time went. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was moving to Los Angeles. It's crazy how after becoming really close with our cohort, familiarizing ourselves with the area, culture, public transportation, and people, we have to say good bye soon. Goodbyes are really hard. ): I find that I become easily attached to people and things, and even though my psych evaluation and other strengths tests indicate that I'm really adaptable to any environment, I struggle with having to say goodbye to the people, places, and things I've grown to know and love.

But right now, there's so many things to get done between now and the end of the semester that I don't know if the realization of everything is hitting me quite yet. I'm trying to live in the present, but in less than 2 months, I'll be overseas for the longest period of time that I've ever been away from home. But Manila will be my new home, and I know it's going to be so beautiful.

Autumn

It's finally autumn! So autumn began a few weeks ago, but you can't really tell here in Los Angeles because it's still pretty warm. It did rain for the first time this week since I've moved here, but the weather's still in the 70s, so not too autumn-y. I guess I shouldn't complain, as it is snowing in a lot of places already. Even though I haven't been able to see the beautiful shades of yellow, orange, and red as the leaves change colors, I do enjoy still being able to wear t-shirts and shorts. In this season of life (yes, that pun was intended), God has been revealing to me lots of wonderful things. He is teaching me to love the people and places that He loves. He's teaching me to learn to have a child-like faith and to wholeheartedly trust him without constantly questioning, "What's next?". Remember that "game" where you would close your eyes and have to lean back and trust that someone would catch you? I was never really great at that.

These verses remind me that stressing about things in the future is pointless, and I need to turn to God instead of worrying.

There I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?... Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.                                                  -Matthew 6:25-27, 34

A lot has been happening lately, as expected. The course load seems to be picking up and I feel like I'm always trying to catch up when it comes to the readings and assignments. I'm just starting the fundraising process and it feels pretty overwhelming how much I have to fundraise for the two years, but I need to trust that God will provide everything I need. A good friend reminded me the other day that if God has called me to do this, then there's no reason why He wouldn't provide financially for it.

I've also been able to experience lots of new things in the last month. Lots of firsts. Firsts are exciting, yes?

1. I went to a black megachurch a couple weeks ago for the first time! I really loved it as there was lots of lovely gospel music that was all throughout the service. People are really warm and friendly too. Getting greeted and hugged by people you've just met? Love it. Everyone wears pretty formal attire for church too. The men wear suits and the women wear dresses. Also, a number of the women wear really fancy, large hats.

2. I went to Thai Town for the first time this week where I got to eat delicious, authentic Thai food. The fact that I couldn't really understand anything that was listed on the menu was probably a good indicator of its authenticity. It's not settled that I'm going to Bangkok quite yet, so not sure if I should start getting attached to the deliciousness. I might not find out for several more weeks where exactly I'll going for the 19-20 months. I'm open to wherever though. God knows me better than I know myself.

A mural in the Arts District 

3. I took the bus for the first time in LA. I've also learned (for the most part) how to use the bus system here. Never really having to rely on public transportation for most of my life, I've learned the privilege and ease of getting around that come with having a car. You don't have to arrange your personal schedule based on the bus schedule. You get to have your own quiet, private bubble. You don't have to stand (as the bus does get crowded at times). But there are pros: avoid being frustrated while driving in LA traffic, not having to worry about paying attention on the road, more environmentally friendly, don't have to worry about parking, etc.

4. I've gone to a number of different districts in LA that I haven't been to before. The arts district has beautiful art and murals on the walls of buildings. The bank district has lots of cool, historic buildings that used to be banks, but now are used as office buildings or apartment buildings; the vaults are still in some buildings with the giant vault doors, which I think is pretty neat. The fashion district has stores that have tons of stuff. Fabric of all colors and textures, jewelry of all shapes and sizes, you name it.

5. I've been to Skid Row a couple of times. Skid Row is a homeless community in Los Angeles that is comprised of approximately 4-5,000 people who live on the streets in that particular neighborhood. There's lots of light there, but is also sided by darkness. I see Jesus in the community here as I see people looking out for one another, the kind hearts of people who have so little, people putting their trust in Christ as they look for opportunities to start a new life, and people who have figured out that they are not defined by what they have (or do not have). But in these same places, there's alcoholism, drug abuse, and despair. And then there's the questions that arise. What can I do as one individual? What are people's stories? How did this happen? I hope to learn some of the answers to these questions as I meet more residents of this community.

Skid Row Artists Festival in Gladys Park

My friend Cailah and I went to the Skid Row artists festival this weekend and the lady who was emceeing for the event said something really beautiful.

Skid Row is faith. Skid row is where you can go from nothing to something by walking by faith. For faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about the things that are not seen.

There are so many extremely talented people who live in Skid Row. Spoken word, singers, instrumentalists, dancers. Even though it was a non Christian event, I loved how almost every performer acknowledged that he/she wanted to give glory to God.

God is most certainly doing work. Sometimes in the places where you least expect it. 

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19

Eighteen.

Today is September 18th and thus I have decided to break down this post into 18 points. No particular reason why, just thought it'd be kind of nifty/easier to break down my thoughts this way.

1. Although I'm not quite at the point where I love LA so much that I want to live here forever, God's given me a lot of peace about my current living situation. I feel much more at home in our apartment and our neighborhood in comparison to how I felt when first moving in. I know I'll never blend in, but I'm at peace with that.

2. I submitted my Servant Partners internship application for Bangkok this week. Servant Partners is an organization that is focused on grass-roots community transformation and seeks to do so by living incarnationally among the poor. I'm nervous about there not being any available placements or not being accepted at all. I'll have to continue praying about it to see if God opens or closes doors for me to go to Bangkok. Maybe I'm supposed to go somewhere else.

3.

As silly as this sounds, doing laundry was a cultural experience. I went to an actual laundromat (aka lavanderia in Spanish) for the first time last week and it was pretty fun! We got to hang out and  watch cartoons while waiting for our clothes to wash/dry. There were also massage chairs, vending machines, and the like there too

4. I'm thankful that the USC campus is nearby. My roommate Kelly and I have been going there to walk/jog around the track. I would still prefer if the beach or some nature-y trails were nearby though. Just saying. But I'm really grateful to have somewhere to exercise. Even if it is intended for USC students... It feels weird when being back on a college campus. I don't know if I should feel old or young or just out of place because I actually don't go there. The campus is pretty fancy and regal-looking though.

5.

There are a plethora of ice cream trucks that frequent our neighborhood. This particular ice cream truck plays the "It's a Small World" tune except instead of children singing, there are meows and barks. It's quite silly. I ran out after this truck the other day to get ice cream with my roommate, Erika, and felt like a small child because I was so excited. There are no ice cream trucks in my neighborhood back at home in Fremont. Is it because people just buy their own ice cream? I don't know. 

6. My mind is blown after every class. I'm learning so much. I love it. Right now we're taking three courses: Writings/Reign/Urban Reality, Urban Spirituality, and Building Faith Communities. So much new information that my brain is exploding a little bit (in a good way).

7. I love that we have worship at the beginning of every class.

8. I had my Psych testing yesterday for MATUL at the APU Counseling Center. It took about 4 hours and consisted of an hour long interview and then about 750 questions of T/F or T/?/F. Some questions were really weird. I hope the results don't indicate that I'm too crazy. I think it takes a few weeks to process/analyze the results and then we return for a follow up appointment.

9. I am thankful that it has cooled down significantly here in LA. The weather's still around high 70s right now, so pretty warm for September, but feels oodles cooler than it did when first moving down here.

10.

A good friend took me out for breakfast one morning in Koreatown. We got beef noodle soup! It was delicious. I don't think I've ever had Korean food that wasn't Korean BBQ or those rice stone bowls.

11. Microwaves and stoves are hard to live without. The 3 girls (who are also in MATUL) living next door don't have a functioning stove so they've been coming over to use it every now and then. It's hard to cook things without a stove! I heard they've been making variations of quesadillas in their toaster oven. We thought our microwave was broken a couple days ago, but just discovered that just the outlet is not working. Having to boil water in a pot to make tea vs. popping your mug into the microwave for a minute or two seems like such a first world problem, right? I was really annoyed that our microwave wasn't working. Sometimes it's the little (or not so little) things we take for granted.

12.

This is what my APU ID looks like. Gotta keep getting those students discounts, yeah?

13. I've been going to a different church every Sunday, but really liked the one I went to last Sunday. It's a bilingual service (English/Spanish) and so half of the worship songs are in English and half are in Spanish. Some people share testimonies in Spanish. And during the English sermon, you can hear someone translating it into Spanish in the back of the congregation for non-English speakers. It feels home-y there. The church is walking distance from our apartment and the service is held in the multipurpose room of an elementary school.

14.

I am really grateful for technology and Google hangout. 

15. I am also really grateful for my amazing roommates. We can talk about anything and everything. So blessed.

16/17. These are my Meyers Briggs results. Not sure if you particularly care, but I am an ISFJ. As silly as personality tests may seem, I feel that it describes me really well in terms of personality and what stresses me out. I really don't like to be rushed and I'm not a fan of loud noise (which is one of the reasons why Kolkata was particularly stressful last summer). Maybe you're an ISFJ too and can relate?

18. This quote:
"Go to the people: live with them, learn from them, love them, start with what they know, build with what they have. But of the best leaders, when the job is done, the task accomplished, the people will say we have done it ourselves" -Lao Tzu

A professor shared this quote with us in class the other day. It resonates with the heart of MATUL. We are not to be merely in the community, but be with the community in their struggles. There is so much that we have to learn from the people residing within the community, instead of coming in with a particular agenda/project/plan to "fix" things. We don't know their struggles firsthand and by coming in with a learning posture, we will be able to love people in more of a Christ-like way.

Moving In, Orientations, and the First Day of Class

I just moved into my new apartment on Friday. It was the day that I was looking forward to and at the same time dreading for months. Most of summer had been a struggle to find and arrange affordable housing for the 3ish month long Fall semester of MATUL and an attempt to spend quality time with friends and family before starting school. All the anticipation that had built up since being accepted in the Spring had resulted in a combination of excitement, nervousness, and worries. But alas, it was here!

Driving down and moving in was a little bit hectic, as expected, but nonetheless good. I was surprised by how hot and humid LA was. It's been difficult to sleep at night with the heat and with the sound of fans, but I trust that I'll get used to it and the weather will eventually cool down too. It's pretty cozy with the 3 of us in a small one bedroom apartment, but it works. We have a functioning kitchen, living room, and bathroom, and I know that it's much more spacious than where we'll be living in a few months. The neighborhood we live in is predominantly Latino and Black and I obviously don't blend in too well, which is slightly uncomfortable to be honest because I've noticed that I get a lot of double takes when I'm walking around the neighborhood. But then I think of all the division that exists in where we choose to live based on ethnicity, class, wealth, etc. and it makes me sad that I feel so distant from people who are different from me, but at the same time, not all that different. We may have vastly different life stories, but in the end we're really not all that different. On the other hand, I love my new roommates. They're both really sweet girls and I know we're going to have a really great time living together this semester. (:

MATUL Cohort #4! We're the biggest one yet. 

Orientation took up most of the day on Saturday. Azusa Pacific's LA Regional Center is located in Koreatown and occupies a couple of floors in a tall office-y building. This is also where we'll be having our classes three days a week. Orientation consisted of an overview/introduction about the program, discussion of the different sites overseas, sharing from some of the students from the very first MATUL cohort that just returned a couple weeks ago, Q&A, etc. Throughout the course of the orientation, I experienced a bit of a roller coaster of emotions as I fluctuated between feeling overwhelmed by all the information and hearing of returnees' experiences & feeling assured that this is what God had called me to do because the program deals with issues of poverty that are near and dear to my heart. Yes, I am nervous about being uncomfortable, dealing with the weight of sharing a community's pain that results from extreme poverty, and being a foreigner and feeling vulnerable. But I am so, so looking forward to learning more about the theology of the poor and seeing how believers trust God for their daily provisions as well as learning how I can be used by God to help set people free.

Something that Dr.Viv Grigg, one of our professors and the director of MATUL, said during the orientation about the risks involved in living in these hard places really struck me. "At the end of the day, following Jesus is always risky." Dr. Grigg has lived in places such as Manila and Kolkata for years doing ministry among the poor. He is a gentle soul and has such a huge heart. I look forward to learning from him throughout MATUL.

After orientation was done for the day, we all headed to Grand Park via the Metro (I had no idea that LA had a metro system...did you?!). We got dinner from some food trucks and then hung out until the movie, "The Neverending Story," came on. It was really cool. (:

Watching a movie in Grand Park in front of City Hall w/ MATUL friends.

Today (Tuesday) we had a second part to our orientation on the APU campus in Azusa. We got to meet some professors, meet the president, talk about finances, etc. We got to hear about how MATUL was founded and how a very large donation helped to jumpstart the idea for a program similar to a Christian peace corps. The other professor who helped found the MATUL program and helped write most of the curriculum really challenged us in how we thought about MATUL. So often, education and higher academia is seen as something that is used for upward mobility, to better ourselves and to get higher pay in our careers. But MATUL is different. It's intended to challenge the way we think about about ourselves, our lives, and the world around us. It's not about getting the degree and the good job and moving to a suburb to live our comfortable lives. MATUL changes people radically and wherever they may end up, overseas or stateside, their paradigm on so many things is never the same again. In addition, he said we may ask ourselves the question, "If we do not see transformation, will we continue to choose faithfulness?"; Will we continue to do the work that we feel God has called us to? We'll be taking some of our courses with this professor once we're overseas and I'm excited to hear more of his thoughts.

First day of classes was tonight. It was really good, but very obvious that this is graduate level material. Also, I am not a big fan of night classes because I'm more of a morning person so it'll be another thing for me to adjust to. For 2 hours at the beginning of class, we went around and told our stories about what motivated us to choose MATUL. It was super good. Everyone has such diverse backgrounds and stories, but at the same time most of us had similar themes. Redemption. A desire to learn how to serve the poor. A desire to learn more about ourselves and how Jesus walked alongside the marginalized. And of course, the biggest commonality: obedience.  

Sunset. 

In all honesty, I was not looking forward to having to live in Los Angeles. From the handful of times that I've been in LA, I strongly disliked how crowded it is, how terrible the traffic is, and how overly "city-ish" it is for my tastes. But when I look at the sunset along the skyline or from the front steps of my new apartment, I am reminded of how God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is faithful in all circumstances and I just need to trust that there is so much to be learned and gained in this city.

Summer: Transition, Joys, Challenges, and Fears

The last couple of months have definitely had their ups and downs. But who doesn't have ups and downs?

It's only been about 2 months since I left UCSB and all my friends there, but it feels like a lot longer. I was warned in advance that the transition after college would be difficult, and I agree. It's hard to say goodbye to friends who I've spent most of the last four years with and grown really close to. But I think that challenges like this are good. I think we grow much more from them than we do from the "comfortable" events and happenings in our lives. I must say that I do miss being able to walk 2 blocks from my apartment and be at the beach.

I went on a brief missions trip to Mexico with my church at the beginning of a July and it was such a blessing. The camp is called Rancho Genesis and you get paired with 2-3 amigos from an orphanage, and they're your buddies for the week (you eat meals with them, play games together, and sightsee together).  The camp is a combination of VBS (Vacation Bible School) and going out to do fun things (we went golfing, to the beach, the pool, to a Chinese restaurant, etc.) with the kids. I loved being able to be away from my cell phone, computer, and other distracting things and focus solely on loving my kids. Even though I got sick in the middle of the week and did not particularly enjoy the cold, outdoor showers, God reaffirmed my desire for simple living. I find that being uncomfortable reminds me that I need to draw near to Him at all times.  

With my amigos, Nayeli & Paulina, at La Buffadora. I miss them.

I'm definitely nervous about doing MATUL. There are so many unknowns in the future and personally, I really like to know exactly what's coming. For classes, I would scan every word of the syllabus so I knew what important deadlines to look out for and what exactly the professor was expecting. In preparing myself for MATUL this summer, there were so many concerns that constantly plagued me: Where am I going to live? Will I be able to handle all the stresses of the program?  How will I fundraise? Will I be able to handle the workload of school again? Am I crazy for doing this? What about the graduations, weddings, and other important events that I'll be missing out on? I've had trouble sleeping for most of the last month because I've been so stressed about life.

The song "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" by Hillsong United is a pretty popular song right now within Christian circles, but has really resonated with me the last several months as I've been preparing for MATUL and getting ready to plunge into the unknown. This song is also where I got the title of my blog. Almost every time I listen to the song, I get super emotional. The first time (of many...) that I've cried when listening to this song was when I had gone with my roommates to see Hillsong United perform at the Hollywood Bowl in June.

"Oceans" inspired me to paint this. 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
(You can listen to it here)

The lyrics remind me of how beautiful it is when we trust God wholeheartedly with all aspects of our lives; God has never let me down before, so why should I worry or doubt Him now? The song inspired me to paint the painting on the right because it's easy for me to make all these plans for my life first and then try to fit God into them, but when I put God first and follow his lead, He reveals things to me that are amazing and are so much better than I could have imagined.

I've questioned why I felt led to do MATUL and overseas missions work. I don't think I'm a particularly brave or adventurous person. Change is really hard for me. I once told a friend that the only kinds of changes I like are moving furniture around and eating different foods. Even studying abroad in Botswana my junior year was tough for me, and that was only for 4.5 months. But I trust that God has something really beautiful in store for me. Even in this last month, I felt that God has been teaching me to "let go." He's been teaching me that sometimes the things that I want are not always the things that I need. A quote I really like from C.S. Lewis is, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

In less than a week I'll be moving to an apartment in central Los Angeles and starting MATUL a few days after. I'm getting pretty anxious as the days I'll be spending at home in Northern California are dwindling down. On a side note, most of my books for the semester have already arrived and I'm really looking forward to reading them. There's so much that I have yet to learn.

Most of my books for Fall semester. I'm excited!
Time to break out the highlighters, colorful pens, and post its. (:

How did I end up doing MATUL?

Before I get into all the details of things that have happened in the last month or so in preparing for MATUL, I'll provide some background as to how I ended up selecting the MATUL program. It's kind of a long story. I'll try to keep it brief...ish.

Let's backtrack to last summer. I went on the Global Urban Trek to Kolkata, India and it really changed my perspective on a lot of things. The Global Urban Trek is a 6 week long missions trip organized through InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, and it immerses college students in slum communities in order to provide students with a better understanding of God's heart for the urban poor as they serve at ministry sites and live alongside the urban poor. It's hard to encapsulate my time in Kolkata in a few sentences, but I can definitely say that it has been the singular, most life-changing event to date (this is of course after coming to Christ and all, but you knew that). A few of the many things that God revealed to me during the Trek include: how privileged I am to live the life I'm living, how few material things we really need to be joyful when we have Jesus, and how much He loves his people and wants them to know that there is hope despite their difficult situation. 

Hanging out with some kiddies at my ministry site. Not sure why the
 little boy in blue always looked angry ahaha.

At the end of the Global Urban Trek, students are asked to commit to at least two years living alongside and serving the urban poor. I knew this going into the trip, and wrestled with this potential commitment throughout the trip. God didn't provide me with a resounding "yes" or "no" and I felt like I should feel compelled to serve for the 2 years after seeing all the devastating poverty, but ended up not saying "yes" during our debriefing time at the end of the trip. 

Let's jump to December 2012. I attended a triennial InterVarsity missions conference called Urbana; it's a huge conference held in St. Louis, Missouri that draws ~15-20,000 college students from all over the United States, Canada, and beyond. Hundreds of Christian organizations table at the conference and there's workshops, speakers, worship, and all kinds of good stuff. I didn't have any particular expectations or goals for the conference, but wanted to be open to any opportunities that I might come across or be interested in as I didn't have any post-college plans as of yet. I attended seminars in my Urban Poverty track and listened to the large-session speakers talk about sacrifice and how worthy Jesus is of all of our affections and trust. I was really convicted by what some of the speakers had said and ended up committing on the last night of the conference to doing at least 2 years of cross-cultural missions (in particular, among the urban poor). I thought, "Why not? What is this life if it's not lived fully for God? Two years in comparison to the rest of my life doesn't seem that long." At the same time, a little voice in the back of my head was like, "What did you just get yourself into?!" 

My friend Shayne and I got to pack World Vision medical kits at Urbana because we were part of the Urban Poverty track. In total, about 16,000 kits were assembled and packed to be sent to areas that have high populations with HIV/AIDS. It was pretty awesome.

As I returned to Santa Barbara for school for Winter quarter, I browsed through the handouts and pamphlets of various missions organizations like Salvation Army, Servant Partners, OMF International, etc. and did research as to what organization(s) aligned with my personal interests and if they offered long-term opportunities that I'd be interested in. After much prayer and discussion with close friends, I ended up selecting MATUL. Interestingly, the same friend who had told me to consider the Global Urban Trek (instead of a different missions trip I was considering) had mentioned that I should look into MATUL and so I did.  I honestly hadn't seriously considered the program before, even after talking to the man who tabled at Urbana for it; he wasn't very convincing and didn't know too much about the program aside from what the brochures said. MATUL just seemed like a great fit for me- I love learning in a structured setting and the service and ministry aspect of the program seemed really great. Being able to learn and love & serve people with all the cool things I'd be learning? Perfect. 

And so in March I applied for the program. I wrote the essays, got the letters of recommendation, and submitted the application. About a month or so later, I had the online interview for the program and then I was accepted! So...that's most of the important details and happenings that have resulted in my decision to do MATUL. Now you know. (: