"What I hate the most about Haiti is what all of these things reveal about myself. I hate that these things make me cranky and puts stress on my relationship with my wife. I hate that it can change my mood into times of negativity or depression. That the external can have control of the internal.
...My challenge now is to realize that my daily tests are opportunities for me to mature spiritually; to not look back and see things in terms of good days or bad days, tough or easy, stressful or relaxing; but to look back and ask myself, “Did I walk in the likeness of Christ that day?”. I must learn to not allow the events of today to hijack the work that the Holy Spirit wants to accomplish within me. Our emotions and reactions cannot be led by an external situation, we are to be led solely by His Spirit.
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| I'm doing my best to do this. |
Easier said than done, but the first step is accepting the fact that God is quite aware of the bumps, hills, mountains, pitfalls and valleys in the road of your life. Those challenges are not to be excuses as to why you failed to walk in the fullness of Christ, but are the training so that you can walk boldly in the fullness of Him."
I understand that I've haven't been in the Philippines for very long (a bit less than two months), but I've found that it's not just the bucket baths every morning, eating rice four times times a day, being awakened by noise each night, or having little personal space and privacy. It's mainly how I don't like the side of me that is revealed and exposed as I react to these things. I can tell that at times I become frustrated with or annoyed at things that used to never bother me, but do here when I haven't slept well or am exhausted from being amongst crowds of people.
I was semi-joking with some of the classmates who are in their 2nd year here that it's kind of sad how living in an urban poor community really ages you in a visible way (I guess I won't still look like I'm in high school when I get back...). The city and living conditions make your body really tired. I came across this passage the other day, and it struck me as it resonates with the changes in our physical and spiritual selves:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:7
It's still just the beginning of this challenging, yet wonderful journey. Yes, there are days when I wake up and wished I was back at home in California. It's not easy to live in a place that doesn't feel like home yet. I'm trying my best to be patient with myself, but still slowly continue pushing myself out of my comfort zone. On another note, I'm discovering that prayer flows out of me as I go about each day in the city- as I travel alone, meet new people, do things that are scary to me, and struggle with being privileged in a place of poverty. Surrendering more of my pride and self-reliance is a very difficult, but beautiful process. I especially realize how powerless I am at times when I am unable to communicate with people due to the language barrier (there's been a lot of smiling and nodding when I don't understand what people are saying to me...it gets frustrating); someone told me that we're powerless all the time, but it's during these times that we really feel it and realize how God is the ultimate source of our strength.
On a related note, although I have only been to a few bible studies and church services in my community thus far, I can already tell that the urban poor believers understand what it means to really rely on God for their provisions, as everyone has lengthy prayer requests about the things they are laying at the feet of Jesus and emotional testimonies about God's grace and goodness. There's quite a lot that I can learn from them.
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| Outdoor market at Quezon Memorial Circle |
