Since starting MATUL, I've really felt my youth as a young 22 (and now 23) year old. I guess it's human nature to think that we're pretty mature, especially in comparison to previous stages of our lives. I do feel that I've grown in terms of rolling with the punches. Life here is really unpredictable and it's something you're kind of forced to get used to. Maybe there'll be a brown out (power outage) and I'll have to use candles to go to the bathroom and be without a fan. Maybe it'll take me two and a half hours for me to get to my destination instead of the usual one and a half because the traffic is extra bad. Things like that. It's been a journey of learning to not become consumed by how upset or frustrated I am when things are not how I predicted them to be. To remind myself that God is still good and that sometimes I'm just having a bad day, but not a bad life.
I guess I felt like talking about the concept of "change" for a bit because my classmate and teammate, Erika suddenly moved out of my community this month because her home stay wasn't very healthy for her and there was an opportunity for her to move out. There are no hard feelings in the situation and it's really sad to see her go. I really loved having her support and presence in the Trece community for the last four months, and it was really helpful to have a travel buddy, especially when I have to make the long commute home after night classes at the seminary.
I guess this isn't the usual update about the things I'm doing, but more of me talking about a big part of this journey. Will I choose to be joyful on the days when I'm genuinely not happy? Why am I so ungrateful and focused on the negative that I overlook my blessings? My worldliness and brokenness comes out sometimes in a way that appalls me. Sometimes I'm really ashamed of my attitude.
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| -Henri Nouwen |
I came across this piece when a MATUL classmate shared it with the other MATUL students a few months back. I think it's beautifully written and describes the challenges of leaving our familiar routines and loved ones. You can view the rest of the piece here.
The endless goodbyes. The missed birthdays and holidays. The wedding vows said outside our hearing. The eulogies spoken without us in the pew. The fellowship and friendship circles that go on without us.
We say goodbye to a lifestyle, to routines and rhythms, to familiarity.
We say goodbye to favorite places that evoke memories and a sense of belonging and comfort, fun, and togetherness.
We say goodbye to shared experiences, those everyday moments when inside jokes are born, secret smiles are shared, knowing looks are passed between sisters and friends.
We miss out on those little conversations mostly about nothing that create a whole lot of something between two people...
Somewhere in the midst of your goodbyes is a sacrifice that you and God have wrestled over. You laid your Isaac on the altar and there was no ram in the thicket to rescue and return your sacrifice. Your “yes” stands. Your sacrifice accepted. And not just accepted, but rejoiced in, delighted over, honored by Jesus.
So, as you tearfully separate from your support system,
as you walk to the car hand in hand with your loved one,
as you hug your nieces and nephews a little tighter,
as you promise your fiancé you’ll be back in ten months,
YOU ARE DECLARING THE WORTH OF THE ONE WHO CALLS YOU."
I've been thinking back to this article lately because at the beginning of the month, my grandfather passed away (also my last remaining grandparent :( ). Although we were never very close due to the language barrier-my inability to speak very much Cantonese and his inability to speak very much English- it really hurt. I was reading the email from my parents about what had happened in a coffee shop one morning, and tears just flowed down my face. A part of me was sad that a piece of our family is no longer there, but it was also this overwhelming reminder that life goes on without me back at home in California. In addition to all of the weddings, graduations, and birthdays that I've missed, my dog is getting older, my younger cousins are growing up, and friends are experiencing new things and sharing moments without me. It's tough to live a life that is apart from everything and everyone that you've known and loved.
Hopefully this post doesn't come across as too negative. God has been so gracious in this journey and I have no regrets. Anything that advances the Kingdom of God is worth it, as difficult as it may be. I'm excited for the fruit that is to come after learning all of these wonderful things and putting them into action. I'll provide a better update about the things that I'm learning and doing regarding healthcare, leadership movements, and community transformation once the semester is over in the middle of December. : )
