Start of Summer

the humidity adds 10 degrees :(

The start of April marked the beginning of summer and it is really heating up here! People joke that the Philippines only has two seasons: hot and hotter. I agree. I thought it was silly that when I arrived to the Philippines in January, locals would say how cold it was and it was in the mid 70s. The heat is only supposed to intensify as summer continues, and it's definitely a challenge as the heat makes you super sleepy (and irritable at times too). I definitely miss the moderate Bay Area weather that I'm used to. But God makes every place unique and this includes climate, no?

I finished my first MATUL semester in field (2/6 overall) this past week! It was most certainly the hardest semester of my life. I can't imagine any harder undergrad semester that I've had at UCSB or studying abroad. Not hard so much in terms of rigorous academics, but doing school and keeping up with the readings and assignments while living in a slum community. This upcoming Summer semester I will be continuing my regular language lessons at the language school and taking 2 online classes, Theology of Community Economics & Language and Culture II, as well as taking on an internship for the Community Economics course.

Throughout this month I've been praying and discerning about my housing situation. It's been really difficult not having my own room, and the stress of it all has been building up and it's evident that it's taken a huge toll on my body and well-being. It's been difficult to discern between the circumstances that will always be hard about living in a slum community and when I need to be firm about the things that I need, and will be much healthier for me in the long run. Living in a slum community will always be noisy and crowded, but where do I draw the line between challenging myself and harming myself to an extent that I'm unable to love, learn, and serve well? I have learned that in my very fragile and exhausted state I am finding more peace and comfort in God, who is constant even when I feel like a hot mess. But after much deliberation and prayer these last few weeks, I'm pretty certain that I do need to find a place where I will be able to sleep and rest more.

I'm realizing how much more I need God especially in times of stress, exhaustion, and frustration. I mentioned this a couple months ago, but I feel that as I've gotten more stressed lately, I've become even more aware of it.

Erika & I w/ our street ice cream- only 10 pesos a cone (20 cents) (:

Many days I feel like a really ugly, horrible person. Should I have given money to the elderly woman on the street? to the man without limbs that I passed by on the way home? How can I not feel guilty about going to a coffee shop to do homework? How can I help the woman who digs through the trash in my community every night while her baby sits in a dirty cardboard box beside her? Why am I not as nice to people when I'm tired/stressed?

My problems seems so small in comparison when I think about how annoyed I am at wearing the same shirts over and over again, am worried about all the reading I have to get done, and how slow my internet is at times. I struggle with discerning how to live, act, and feel in a place of extreme poverty. I admit that I am tired of being overwhelmed to the point of tears when I see injustice on a daily basis. Back in California, I am very aware that this poverty exists, but when I don't see it every day, it's easy to put this reality in the back of my mind. A professor shared this quote about this issue last semester and I thought it was really powerful:

“..luxury is the enemy of observation, a costly indulgence that induces such a good feeling that you notice nothing. Luxury spoils and infantilizes you and prevents you from knowing the world. That is its purpose." -Paul Theroux

I've been listening to this song by Shane & Shane on repeat lately. I really like it:

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need
("Though You Slay Me" )

This song reminds me that as I am stripped of more things (material things like my usual outfits and the intangible things like my pride and self-sufficiency), God is the only one that I truly need. He is the only one that satisfies the emptiness that I feel when I am uncomfortable and pacifies me when I am frustrated and angry with myself and with the city. Sometimes I question why I feel called to do hard things like MATUL, but I know that it is a privilege to serve God in this challenging environment and program. I always feel so much better after prayer, and know that I should not be shy to present any and all requests and emotions to God. Even down to the little things. There is nothing too small or too big to give to God. He is always listening.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matthew 7:7-8)

Outside of Manila, the PH has some beautiful waters & beaches.

Salamat po sa lahat for all your love & prayers. <3